Enough is hard (part 1)

We all have to make decisions about how we handle things, how we are going to think about them, and what we are going to do about them. It might be our bank account, or our lawn, or a hobby. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately and have concluded that there really are three ways we can move forward, two of them easier than the other one.

One way is to say, “This thing will get none of my time, attention, or resources.”  We make this decision all the time about things we are not natively interested in or gifted to do.  It doesn’t cost us anything to make this choice. Often it is a one-and-done deal. I’m having a hard time coming up with an example of something because it’s just not even on my radar! Maybe volleyball. Or model airplanes.

Another way is to say, “This thing will get lots of my time, attention, and resources.” These are things we are passionate about and/or are natively interested in and gifted to do. This choice doesn’t generally cost us much either. We gladly give of ourselves to this and find joy in doing it/thinking about it. This is music for me. Or reading. Or crossword puzzles. And the church. And my family.

The third way, I’m finding, is the most difficult way. This is when we say, “This thing is necessary for me to think about/do/participate in. I’m not naturally passionate about it but I can’t ignore it. However, I don’t want it to take over my time, attention, and resources so I have to come up with a middle ground that will just be enough.” This isn’t a resigned Enough, necessarily; it can be a very active Enough. For me this is my home, or my bank account, or my lawn.

But Enough is slippery, potentially illusive, hard to pin down. For starters it’s different for everyone. Not only will one person’s easy Yes/No be someone else’s Enough, but one person’s Enough might be calibrated differently than someone else’s.

It’s also tricky because the allure of an easy No or Yes is strong, even restful. Those decisions get made and you move on. My conclusions about Enough must be fought for and established in my own head. But then I encounter other people’s lives and my Enough gets pummeled, misshapen, challenged. So then I have to go back and remind myself of how I got to Enough in the first place.  And that seemingly constant regrouping necessary to maintain Enough almost makes it appear not worth it. But I think it is.

More on this to come…

song (that was) of my heart #3

I actually listened to the words of this song for the first time today. This is exactly how I was feeling up until about a week ago.

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I'm always close, but I'm never enough
I'm always alive, but I'm never in love
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won; t give up

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Am I myself or am I dreaming?
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Thrive, thrive, thrive, yeah, thrive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Yeah yeah
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

~Switchfoot, Vice Verses

peace is weird

I made a decision recently to step away from something that has been a big part of my life for the last few years. I had defended keeping it in my schedule for quite a while as I got busier, but all it took was an instant to know that I would be able to let it go. I didn't waffle over it like I sometimes do, I didn't consult with multiple people and engage in lots of verbal processing like I always do. I just knew.

And so it wasn't with a conflicted or torn up heart that I went to communicate my decision to the person who most needed to know. I was very peaceful, very convinced. Sad? Yes. But not distraught. This way forward was so evident to me that the calmness I was feeling didn't surprise me. I expected her to be the one to be shocked, dismayed, teary, etc. But she wasn't. God had already prepared her heart and spirit to hear what I was going to say. And so we stood there, two completely calm and accepting people. No rivers of tears, no frustration, no feelings of disappointment (well maybe a little), no confusion. It was weird. But weird in a good way, I guess.

I had prayed for this kind of peace and understanding on both of our parts. And God answered with exactly that. But I have to admit it felt a little anticlimactic. Like there was supposed to be hurt and distress and tears and pain. Instead it just was. What a gift.

virtue

All our life is sown with tiny thorns that produce in our hearts a thousand
involuntary moments of hatred, envy, fear, impatience, a thousand little
fleeting disappointments, a thousand slight worries, a thousand disturbances
that momentarily alter our peace of soul. For example, a word escapes that
should not have been spoken. Or someone says something that offends us. A child
inconveniences you. A bore stops you. You don't like the weather. Your work is
not going according to plan. A piece of furniture is broken. A dress is
torn.

I know that these are not occasions for practicing very heroic virtue. But
they would definitely be enough to acquire it if we really wished to.

~ St. Claude la Columbiere (1641-82), a Jesuit preacher

song of my heart #2

Tell me I'm forgiven and loved
'Cause I hear it from the street corner priests
On how God is love and we can be clean
But my joy has been on holiday
And my peace has almost passed away
Tell me I'm forgiven and free

O I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation
But I bought the lie I still have work to do
Now I'm working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation
But there is no condemnation in you

O whisper to me now that it's for real
'Cause in the silence of these walls righteousness lost its appeal
Dirty deeds have done me in
O but that can't stop the faithful friend
Giving mercy once again as you heal
Here it is I'm feeling it

O he died, he died to rectify my hopeless situation
And his blood commands my guilt to leave
Now on Calvary I stand
Empty pockets, open hands
O there is no condemnation for me

Child, you're forgiven and loved
Child, you're forgiven and loved
Child, you're forgiven
And child, you are loved
Child, you're forgiven and loved

~Jimmy Needham, Not Without Love

song of my heart #1

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need you to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will you begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because you're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything you are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause you're the one who's saving me

~Josh Wilson, Trying to Fit the Ocean in a Cup

guardian

I have a very distinct memory of my family sitting in our tiny kitchen in Sheboygan, WI (circa 1989) memorizing Philippians 4:4-9. We (my parents, me-age 8, my brother-age 6, my sister-age 4) regularly chanted, traipsing cheerfully over the meter and rhythm of the words rather than contemplating their meaning (at least, that's what I was doing):

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—
put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Fast-forward to high school, standing on my porch with my then-boyfriend, pondering together the slightly mindblowing concept that something like God's peace might actually be able to "transcend all [read: our know-it-all] understanding." Whoa. (And, yes, all we were doing was pondering...)

Then in the last year or so, those words memorized 10 years ago came back as I regularly prayed for people that they might experience that peace of God "that doesn't make any sense" in the midst of death, cancer, shame, confusion, etc. A very powerful prayer, indeed. Because such unexplainable peace might actually cause more confusion when it shows up. But in the end it's peace. Something that does, indeed, transcend understanding.

Most recently, however, my mind has wandered to the rest of the sentence and a new prayer has formed in my mind and heart. As if transcending all understanding isn't amazing enough, it's this peace that is the guardian of my heart. It's the filter through which all emotion must travel, the keeper of my response to future possibilities. Peace, in the form of a dove hanging over my table. Peace, in the form of cranes that I will make for every day my brother is in Afghanistan. Protection, recognized with amazement when pondering something that didn't go the way I thought it would. Security in the midst of worry, solace in the midst of economic chaos. Peace. A deep breath. Guardian.