one step back and other random thoughts

1. The living with the elderly woman didn't work out. Turns out she needs way more care than anyone thought, and it was much more than I could handle mentally, emotionally and schedule-ly. She was confused enough about things that as I was leaving she thanked me for being there for her first night home from the hospital (it was more than that) and said "nice to have met you." That was it. So... life lessons learned? Check. Humbled by what it means to care for someone on a regular basis? Check. Appreciative of the time of life I am currently experiencing? Check. Moving on...

2. Sundays are sometimes time for me to clean up messes from the week and get things settled for the week ahead. A little straightening, a little laundry, a little napping, a little reading, etc. I talked about it in what I thought were appropriately biblical, Godly terms: "making order out of chaos." However, when I think about the original creation, resting from the work of making order out of chaos is exactly what God did on the last day. Oops. Maybe that is what Saturday should be for. Something about an unencumbered Sabbath is so beautiful and quite a gift. And it's humbling to know that the world moves on without me.

3. I'm giving teaching a bit of a try this semester, but someone asked me this weekend how long it will be before I'm in the pulpit. My itch to speak words and administer sacraments is growing, as is my delight in the prospect. Wow. and Hmmm...

two steps hopefully forward

Two big things are happening to me in the next few days:

1. I'm moving in with an 88-yr old woman that I just met today. Basically I'm meeting her needs by just being there and since I could use a place a place to be, I think it will work out just swimmingly. She's a fiercely independent 88 and is sad that her life has come to this, but she can stay that way as long as I'm there to make food occasionally and not leave her alone at night. Unfortunately for me I've read about a half dozen novels with this same story line, so I've got to work at making this my own.

2. Next week Thursday I am stepping my foot into more professional academia for the first time. Well, not really professional since I'm just going to be a teaching assistant (read: paper grader), but I'm doing it as a graduate of a similar institution, not as a current student. The professor I'm working with is fantastic and wants to support me in any way possible. So, I'll get to teach some things on occasion, give input into the development of the class and give my own grades on the assignments and quizzes which he will never undermine. And we kicked it all off with a fantastic lunch at a local almost-greasy spoon. I think it will be great.

Meanwhile, I still need health insurance and a few other loose ends tied up, so if any of you have an "insurance person" who could help me out...

ho hum??

Why is it that a difficult decision, once made, seems at the same time obvious and not a big deal? Maybe because I chose the practical, less dramatic option: I'm not going anywhere. Instead I'll be assisting someone who teaches what I have my masters degree in, mostly to help him out but also to get my feet wet in that particular area, teaching. So, no running away to a foreign country, no hermitage or pilgrimage, but I'm excited about it anyway.

chickens

So I'm fairly convinced that the right answer to the question, "which comes first, the chicken or the egg," is "chicken." Because seems to make sense to me that God would have created an actual animal rather than start with the egg. But what do I know.

Actually, what I do know is that my life is chock full of eggs right now and not a lot of fully grown chickens. Lots of possibilities but very few actualities. Many pieces of a puzzle but not the picture. Lots of almost ripe fruit but no pie. I like pie. But I have to wait. Something is growing in the very inside of me that is not done yet.

I have plenty of pressure coming from myself to deal with all of this, but it gets tougher when the pressure comes from outside. Well-meaning people in my life have fair expectations for me to have concrete answers to what my plans are for my life, but things change when they aren't as comfortable with my lack of answers as I am.

A wise person told me once that when this happens I should remind the person I'm talking with that last thing anyone knew is that it takes about 9 months for a human being to form in the womb, so they should check in with me after a while to find out how my own inner self is doing.

Well, my inner self is moving and growing and so are my housing, social and vocational realities. There are so many things up in the air that I couldn't even tell anyone what continent I might be on in the near future. But the biggest thing I'm realizing right now is that just because there are hopes and dreams and possibly plans doesn't mean that the waiting is over. Lots of eggs... bring on the chickens!

small things = a good day

- snow, but not crappy driving
- a friend who doesn't mind being seen in her bathrobe
- a 10 year old who is excited about me doing puzzles with him
- a smiling, familiar face and the longest conversation to date
- half a muffin and a Clementine
- a four year old who addresses me "excuse me" for three hours
- a cavernous sanctuary in the dark of night