song (that was) of my heart #3

I actually listened to the words of this song for the first time today. This is exactly how I was feeling up until about a week ago.

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I'm always close, but I'm never enough
I'm always alive, but I'm never in love
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won; t give up

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Am I myself or am I dreaming?
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Thrive, thrive, thrive, yeah, thrive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Yeah yeah
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

~Switchfoot, Vice Verses

peace is weird

I made a decision recently to step away from something that has been a big part of my life for the last few years. I had defended keeping it in my schedule for quite a while as I got busier, but all it took was an instant to know that I would be able to let it go. I didn't waffle over it like I sometimes do, I didn't consult with multiple people and engage in lots of verbal processing like I always do. I just knew.

And so it wasn't with a conflicted or torn up heart that I went to communicate my decision to the person who most needed to know. I was very peaceful, very convinced. Sad? Yes. But not distraught. This way forward was so evident to me that the calmness I was feeling didn't surprise me. I expected her to be the one to be shocked, dismayed, teary, etc. But she wasn't. God had already prepared her heart and spirit to hear what I was going to say. And so we stood there, two completely calm and accepting people. No rivers of tears, no frustration, no feelings of disappointment (well maybe a little), no confusion. It was weird. But weird in a good way, I guess.

I had prayed for this kind of peace and understanding on both of our parts. And God answered with exactly that. But I have to admit it felt a little anticlimactic. Like there was supposed to be hurt and distress and tears and pain. Instead it just was. What a gift.