lessons

I'm learning the hard way that there is more danger to pride than just getting a big head. And that there is more to resolutions than just "losing weight" or "buying a car." It's way bigger than that.

Welcome, 2008. Here's hoping you're a good one.

less is more

Yesterday I experienced my first present-less Christmas with one side of extended family. I think we did okay. It didn't make a ton of sense to me that some of my cousins (whose parent had the idea not to give gifts) had tons of presents to talk about from earlier that day and then it was our extended family that had to go without gifts at all, but I think I'm over it. I'm currently typing on my best gift this year, so I really can't complain.

Overall, it was nice not to have to hurry over dinner to get to something more important, and God blessed us all with good attitudes about the stupid games we played well into the night. We also talked a little about where the money went that we gave to a charity rather than to each other and it was great to have everyone interested in that.

I'm not convinced that no gifts at all is the absolute best way to go all the time. I think that there are meaningful ways to deal with the tradition of gift giving, even when you might not know the person that you have to give one to very well. But it's true that it does become quite meaningless when gifts are given only because it is required and they're generic because the person is not known. But maybe that depends on what I get on Friday. Just kidding.

two things

(1) cool thing: the front passenger seat of my parents' cool little car which I got to drive back to homebase today has a weight sensor in it somewhere so that it knows when someone is sitting there and can therefore flash the seatbelt light if the seatbelt is not properly fastened.

(2) sad/sheepish thing: my purse was heavy enough to set this off.

yum.

Nothing like a bratwurst on a fresh roll with tons of sauerkraut and German mustard accompanied by potato pancakes with sour cream and applesauce and eaten in the great outdoors in the middle of winter to cure whatever ails ya. *big grin*

vertical (1)

Chances are that if you're reading this I have had a conversation with you in my head at some point. I do this before, during and after many interactions that I have with people, but most often before and especially after. It's a kind of daydreaming, I guess. But very one-sided and therefore unfair. I've wondered with some frequency lately, though, why I don't talk to God in these moments instead. Shifting from the horizontal to the vertical, as it were. (wow, that looks really weird when typed: "as it were." what the heck does that mean exactly?) Anyway, it is too often in these moments of internal conversation with another person that I move from the real to the ideal and into dangerous territory where I can be as self-aware and self-absorbed, and of course witty and charming and perfect, as I can possibly be. But how much better to turn instead to the one who really knows me in all my selfishness and imperfection. To take a deep breath and not over-analyze or set myself on shaky ground. Much more fair to the person with whom I interact and much more healthy for my soul and relationship with God.

yick

Why is it that, given time, space and energy to spare, I still manage to create situations in my life that breed procrastination, unpreparedness and scrambling? And why is it that someone I know and love can say "I'm tired of staying on top of things," while looking at a huge stack of ungraded tests and papers? Shouldn't all the effort be always worth it? Don't we who are now out of school secretly long for that deep and unmistakable release that we felt when we walked out of our last final for a semester? Are we just afraid that we'll never get there...get to that quite time of relaxation and rest...so we grab it when we're supposed to be doing other things that will better prepare us for what is ahead?

I did this today...the not-getting-ahead thing. And I watched myself do it, too. And now I just feel yick.

convicted

So the other day it took me--with some group support and a few specialized devices--a whopping 15 minutes to memorize an entire Psalm. Hmmm... And I keep checking myself: "Come, bless the Lord..." and yep, it's still there. And I want to find some perfect opportunity to speak these words into someone's life. I'm just busting with these words in my head and in my heart.

I'm convicted not only because of how simple the exercise of memorizing was (and granted, I might be particularly wired for word memorization...music is another story...), but also of how not that often I get excited about Scripture like this. Oh, and of how simple yet powerful it is to proclaim the Word of God using, well, the Word of God.

So, when people wonder out loud to me why I'm muttering something under my breath as I wait for the bus or stand in line at the grocery store, or walking aroud waving my hands in the air in some weird version of sign language, they might just get an earful of the very words of God. :) *grin* At least I hope. O Lord, deepen this conviction in my soul!

Bursting

Reason #1: It is gloriously sunny outside. So much so that I didn't need to even turn the heater on in my car this morning.

Reason #2: A really loud train whistle, without which, being as distracted as I was by the aforementioned sun, I would have crashed through the gates and been hit by said train. (It and I were approaching our intersection at the same time...)

Reason #3: The promise of an afternoon filled with dirty clothes becoming clean, a messy room being tidied up and space for devotions and exercise.

Reason #4: A belly full extra large Smarties :) (thanks, Sarah!)

Charge

The service I attended this evening ended with a charge before the benediction. It was:

Go forth into the world in peace;
be of good courage;
hold fast to what is good;
render to no one evil for evil;
strengthen the faint-hearted;
support the weak;
help the afflicted;
honor all people;
love and serve the Lord, rejoicing in the power of the Spirit.

Notice that it is not prefaced with, "this is for those of you who are feeling completely emotionally put together and totally content with all areas of your life." Or "only if you are hearty, strong, and not afflicted."

I'm learning more and more these days that humility levels the playing field, and so does the charge quoted above. It doesn't really matter how I'm feeling; that charge was to me. Maybe I think I'm exempt because I feel more like receiving other people's response, but my ears and my heart heard the same words they did. I have to do it too.

My heart heard this version:

Go forth, even if you feel like sitting;
be of good courage, even if you think you don't have any;
render to no one evil, even if you think they deserve it;
strengthen the faint-hearted out of your own faint-heartedness;
support the weak in spite of your own weaknesses;
help the afflicted instead of dwelling on your own affliction;
honor all people (yes, all people);
love and serve the Lord, rejoicing in the power of the Spirit, because that is the only way you're going to be able to do any of it.

Amen.

big britches

I was reminded this evening of a phrase I heard once that I liked and wanted to hold on to, knowing that it would be appropriate to consider from time to time. It goes like this:

"Being a leader is like being a lady; if you have to tell someone you are, you probably aren't."

Last night, at the first of the two identical events in which I participated this weekend, I got a little too close to the "tell people I'm a leader" than I should have. In the past I have been in a leadership role at this event, but I haven't seemed to figure out how to reprogram myself when at the same event but not officially in charge of anything. I saw things that needed to happen, and barged ahead. Now, the stuff needed to be done, for sure. But it probably didn't have to be done by me. So tonight I sat on my hands. I had been asked to do a few things, so I did them, but otherwise I tried to stay out if it. This is hard for me.

The other thing that happened for me tonight was that the venue in which the aforementioned event took place, and in some ways the event itself, lost some of its "big time" luster and sparkle in my mind. I used to think that the whole thing was pretty big stuff, but tonight I realized that it's really not. Okay, so it was a performance of the Messiah. But as some of the spectacle began to fade in the face of missed orchestra cues, a warbly soloist, and choir members that sometimes spaced out in the middle of a song (oops!), and as I got a little sad about that, something else happened that I grew to be okay with. The texts jumped out. Espeically the truth of it all. We were singing (preaching really) about something cosmically true and important. And boy does it not matter all that much if something goes a little wrong. Who cares if a critic is right about some of what didn't go well? Why does it matter if the soloists don't get called back onto the stage by thunderous applause? There was ultimate truth about the Savior of the world that we were proclaiming. That's what matters. And I hope more people in the room than just me caught that.

=

humbled = telling people about this

here we go...

Little Houses

Not that long ago I re-read the Little House on the Prairie books. I've read them probably hundreds of times ever since I was old enough to read. But it was with different eyes and a different spirit that I read this time. I was more aware of the simplicity of the writing and drawn to the simplicity of the lifestyle that is chronicled there. But my eyes were also opened to the complexity of it all. And the hardship. Mostly the hardship.

For the first time I actually pictured in my mind what a barely 10x15 shanty must have really looked like (and the log home, and the mud dugout and that other claim...). And actually considered what dealing with acre after acre of hay from sun-up to sun-down for days on end must have been like (oh and then the corn, and the beans, and shearing sheep and making food and...). I am so not wired for stuff like that.

And Laura! She was 15 when she finally buckled down and went off to start teaching school. 15!!

I know that different times call for different measures, but I was sucked in to the noble simplicity of it all, and find myself quoting stories from the book as I think about my life today. I am inspired by a young girl who is overwhelmed with gratitude that she gets something (one thing!) for her very own, and then shares it with her sisters anyway. I am humbled by the tale of being grateful for a different kind of flour to use so that the bread for today looks and tastes a little different than what they ate the day before.

I'm sure that there was much more behind the scenes than the simple story that Laura Ingalls writes down, but there are lessons to be learned. A simple life that is full of gratitude, for starters...

Will you... ?

Why does asking someone to pray for me even fall into my mental category of things that are humbling, even humiliating?

Part of it, I think, is that asking others to pray for us is not part of our everyday Christian vocabulary, at least in my experience. The things we pray about are private, right? When I tell someone I will pray for them it seems like it's either a flippant, "this is the right thing to say at this moment," statement, or it's a "look deep into their eyes and pray with them right then and there" kind of thing. Maybe it's a personal integrity issue. When I tell someone I will pray for them, they should know that I will, without any further qualifying statements. "Let your yes be yes and your no, no..."

The other part, and this is the more humbling part, is that when I ask someone to pray for me, I'm asking them to pray for me. On my behalf. In a way I can't. Admitting to someone that you can't do something on your own and then asking them to do it for you is always a humbling experience. But this is what we need more of: someone else to share in the burdens of our lives by praying.

Not with eyes or ears

I've been reading through Isaiah lately. I love how that will intersect with Advent and Christmas this year. But as I was reading the familiar prophecy about the Branch of Jesse in chapter11, part of verse three jumped out at me.

"He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears."

As my way of looking at the world and the people in it has changed over the past few months, I find myself much more aware of when things go wrong or people are not being their best selves. The same goes for myself, of course. I notice when I'm being selfish, or someone else is. But this little verse in the middle of Isaiah grabbed me and I kept coming back to it as I interacted with family over Thanksgiving. All I can do is use my ears and eyes to interact with others. That's it. I can't know what is going on in their minds or hearts or spirits. They can tell me, but even then I am dependent on how they say it and how I hear it. So there's just no way around it: I cannot judge others. It is humbling to realize that I'm left with nothing on which to base any judgment. End of story.

sheesh

So I'm only about four days in to this blog and I've already changed just about everything about it. I decided that "Up in the Air," though accurately describing how I am currently feeling about life, didn't quite hit the mark. Because I didn't mention God in that first post, and the truth is, there is nothing up in the air about God, at least in my mind. My ability to understand who God is may in fact be somewhere out in the stratisphere, but as to the reality of who God is, that doesn't ever change.

So I switched. Instead, I'm going to attempt to chronicle the ways I'm humbled each day, whether by Scripture or by another person or something else I've read. Even in the last couple of days I've experienced enough to fill a few posts.

So we'll see how this goes, I guess.

Tis the Day

I wish this hymn wasn't so cheesy. It fit well with my spirit this morning when I sang it.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Refrain

It's Official

Nothing in my life seems to last very long these days. We'll see how this blog does.

I was going to wait until I got a laptop to start this, but even that is "up in the air" at this point.

Yep, that's the easy explanation for the title of this blog. Today brings about yet another thing in my life that is up in the air. I'm sure that there are deep and/or poetic thoughts in my brain somewhere on what "life up in the air" might be like, or look like, but for now it's really just about how I feel about things right now: very little of what I've expected out of my life in the last six months has actually happened and this continues to be the way of things...